


you've cat to be kitten me right meow

by prettysicknasty



Series: five gets tortured with love [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Apocalypse (Umbrella Academy), Animal Transformation, Background Linda Martin (Lucifer TV), Cats, Comedy, Family Bonding, Happy Ending, Human Transmutation, No Incest, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Post-Season/Series 01, Spirit Animals, Stressed Number Five | The Boy, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Vanya is he/they trans because i love Elliot :), except the apocalypse didnt happen, the siblings work together to make him human again but also hes an adorable little kitten so, this account is anti incest, tldr five gets turned into a cat and hijinks ensue, yes I made their therapist linda again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:21:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29517324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysicknasty/pseuds/prettysicknasty
Summary: Five pissed off the wrong person and has to deal with the consequences of his actions. Said consequences are just a little bit more extreme than a slap on the wrist.Alternatively: The Boy gets turned into The Kitten
Relationships: Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy)
Series: five gets tortured with love [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168394
Comments: 17
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/angry-kittens-11-591af1a7be338__700.jpg  
> Let me know if this link works copy and pasted into a search bar. It is what I imagine Five to be looking like in this fic, if not slightly bigger. 
> 
> A surprising amount of effort was put into deciding what kind of cat he is. I was gonna make him a black cat but then I thought Ben would be more of a black cat and I ended up thinking about what all the siblings would be as cats so here are the others if they had gotten turned into cats instead:
> 
> Klaus: siamese/burmese  
> Diego: tortoiseshell  
> Allison: calico  
> Vanya: russian blue (for obvious reasons)  
> Ben: black  
> Luther: himalayan (those flat faces cats)  
> Five: originally was gonna make him a tuxedo cat but ended up being a brown tabby cat. was also thinking about maybe a gray cat? i need to stop second guessing myself its not that deep hhhh

Five was having a rough day.

Now, this wasn’t unusual in the slightest. His entire life had been a series of bad days. Practically every waking moment was painful to endure, if he was being melodramatic about it.

However, it had gotten better recently. 

The apocalypse was stopped. His lifelong quest finally completed. The only thing left for him to do now was reunite with his family and find a purpose other than assassinations and superhero-ing. 

Still, despite this being undoubtedly the best time of Five’s life, he had the occasional bad day. Today was one of them.

He’d been woken up by a nightmare only to find himself passed out on the desk in his room. Because of his lovely sleeping situation, he had a kink in his neck and an ache in his lower back that he hadn’t felt since he was back in an older body. 

If that wasn’t enough, he went downstairs hoping to find some coffee to start out his day but instead stumbled upon Klaus, also seemingly woken up by a nightmare or something similar.

Five would’ve been perfectly fine with saying nothing of it and going about their separate mornings, but they were supposed to be 'trying harder' at being a family, so Klaus politely asked if he wanted to talk about it.

He didn’t even need to verbally respond, the look he gave Klaus was enough of an answer for that. 

Although Five would rather _claw his own trachea out of his throat_ than open up to his siblings, Klaus had no qualms about talking and according to the family therapist (yes they had gotten one, a long story for another time), they all needed to be more honest and open with each other.

Five loved his brother. He loved all of his siblings.

That did not mean he was mentally prepared to listen to his brother relay a horrific tale of his time in Vietnam at five in the morning. 

_Yes_ they needed to talk more with each other but for fuck’s sake, there was a time and a place for those kinds of conversations.

As much as he would’ve _loved_ to support his brother, he was still coming down from his own nightmare and with the added back pain and seeming lack of coffee in the cupboards, Five interrupted in maybe a slightly more annoyed voice than he had intended, asking his brother to shut up and bother him about it later.

Guilt was a funny thing.

Everyone in their family carried truckloads of it and yet they still somehow managed to add more, even now. 

To Klaus’ credit, he had merely snapped his jaw shut and nodded, which Five knew meant that the seance would _not_ open up later and in fact would probably not share anything bothering him for the foreseeable future.

There was a long awkward silence while Five continued his search for coffee before ultimately deciding that he’d need to go out and get some on his own. He hesitated in leaving the kitchen, feeling the need to apologize, but a sharp pain through his skull urged him to teleport away.

Luckily they lived in the city so the nearest coffee shop was only a block away. Unluckily, it was a weekday and apparently every middle aged working person had decided to stop by this particular shop before work. The line was almost out the door.

So, yeah, for it only being the earliest hours of the morning, he was having a bad day.

Forgive him if he was a little snappy.

Diego had joked before about getting him one of those cheesy ‘dont talk to me before ive had my coffee’ t-shirts or mugs and although the idea made him want to stab his own eyeballs with a fork, he reluctantly agreed with the statement.

He was already a lot to handle. Caffeine withdrawal only highlighted the nastier sides of his personality. 

Unfortunately, the person who he’d be taking out his frustrations on was going to be this poor barista probably working minimum wage and who was in no way deserving of an interaction with Five. Very unfortunate indeed.

The cafe was loud with the buzz of the activity and when it was finally his turn to order, the cashier had to meekly ask him to repeat himself over the noise.

“Just. Black. Coffee. Are you fucking deaf? It’s the simplest thing in the world.” He scoffed at the person across the counter. 

They gave him an apologetic look and quickly punched in his order without furthering their conversation. 

Then, as Five stood to the side and waited for his order, another pang shot through his spine. Despite having just ordered, the pain caused him to slam his hands on the counter.

“How long does it take to brew a fucking black coffee?! Ugh, you’re completely useless. Hurry up!” 

Earlier, the barista had been shy and timid, almost reminding Five of Vanya in the way they curled in on themself as they were reprimanded. After this outburst though, they turned from where they were brewing their coffee to give him a dirty look. 

He’d seen a lot worse than that.

“Maybe if you spent less time passive aggressively glaring at me, my coffee would be done by now.” An evil grin came upon his face as he said this, all teeth and much too wide to be sincere.

This only made them scowl further and they very deliberately looked him in the eye as they spit into his coffee. 

Five didn’t really care, only rolling his eyes at the childish display. 

Again, he’d had much worse than that. 

The barista barely held out the filled cup before Five snatched it out of their hand and left without saying thank you. 

As soon as he stepped out into the street he took a large gulp of the delicious bean juice, letting the heat from the coffee burn his throat and fill his stomach with warmth. 

Despite the spit, Five sighed in satisfaction as he pulled the cup away from his lips. It was pretty good coffee.

The guilt from dismissing Klaus earlier scooched over to make room for the added guilt of terrorizing this poor kid just trying to do their job.

Like hell was he ever going to go back and apologize to that stranger though. 

He jaywalked across the street, deciding to take a shortcut through an alley in order to avoid any more people on his way back home. 

Once hidden in the alleyway, he swallowed another quick sip of coffee which he immediately regurgitated back up as a cough. At first he thought it must’ve just gone down the wrong pipe but the coughing worsened beyond just choking on coffee.

His free hand came up to claw at his throat as it continued, his brow furrowing in confusion and frustration. 

_What the hell?_

Had that barista actually spit poison into his drink? Were they actually a commission agent? But no, this wasn’t the commission’s style at all.

The cup fell from his other hand and he grabbed at his throat with this one too. It felt as though wads of cotton were trying to crawl up through his jugular. 

Five whirled around in the alley and focused back across the street to the cafe. Through the window he could almost make out the barista staring straight at him. 

How foolish to have let his guard down so easily. Just because the apocalypse was over didn't mean he was safe.

Five was _never_ safe.

He only had a second to wonder what the hell the stranger had done to him before his vision flashed white and he fell to the ground.

…

He didn’t come to all at once, sounds and smells woke him up before he even really felt his body lying on the dirty asphalt. His head rolled to the side and his eyes blearily attempted to open as he tried to gain his bearings. 

No memory loss. He knew exactly what happened.

Well, not _exactly_ what happened. 

He could recall his entire morning up until him passing out. The only thing was that he wasn’t quite sure what had caused that. He wasn’t dead so it couldn’t have been poison.

Maybe they just tried to weaken him? Or perhaps that barista was just really sick with something contagious that hit Five immediately… 

Either way, he was way too vulnerable out in the open like this.

Still dazed, Five jumped back to the academy. It would be safe there, at least for the time being. Plus, if he _was_ poisoned, he could get checked out and helped a lot faster there than anywhere else. 

Five stumbled a bit as he landed outside of the academy gates, blearily squinting at the mansion above him. 

_Wow_.

_Had the academy always seemed this big?_

Five shook his head and jumped once more into the mansion. That one might’ve pushed his limits while being incapacitated, though. Little black spots popped up in his vision when he landed and he fell down in the foyer of their home. 

Just a little further…

Get someone to help him. Make an antidote or whatever, just fix this.

He only managed to drag his body up against a pillar before passing out a second time.

…

This time when he woke up, it was to the pressure of someone repeatedly poking him in the side. 

He groaned, because _of course_ his idiot siblings would poke at his unconscious body instead of doing anything useful. It was so hard being the smartest person in the family.

“Is it alive?” He heard Klaus’ voice whisper to somewhere nearby, presumably to Ben.

And, okay _ouch_ , he knew he was a bit of a dick earlier but that didn’t mean he deserved being called an ‘it.’ No matter how many times the family liked to call him a gremlin. 

Five blinked his eyes open to glare at his brother, only to find him much higher up than he should be, looking at him with no recognition in his eyes. 

_What?_

-Is what he tried to say in his usual condescending tone of voice, but what came out was an eerily accurate impression of a cat’s meow.

Way too accurate for Five. 

Immediately he was wide awake and he jolted himself into a standing position, startling Klaus into backing away from him. 

He tried once again to speak, only for the same noise to burst from him.

Looking down at himself for the first time since waking up in the alley, he finally noticed that the familiar blue academy uniform was absent. In fact, his _whole hairless body_ was absent. In its place were some fuzzy brown paws.

The time traveling assassin let out a distressed mewl before running into the nearest room, ignoring Klaus’ shout of alarm at his sudden movements.

_Please don’t be what I think it might be._

He pleaded with himself inside of his head. His head, and whatever higher power did this to him, ignored his anger.

The closest reflective surface that was his height was the glass of one of Reginald’s various display cases. As Five got closer to it, the dread in his stomach only deepened. 

Staring upon his reflection, his suspicions were confirmed. Instead of a tired thirteen year old’s face, unnaturally round blue eyes stared back at him. Eyes belonging to a very furry face. 

He felt his ears twitch and saw them move in the reflection. He opened his mouth in shock and saw the cat open it’s mouth too.

Hesitantly, he raised a hand up towards the glass, except it wasn’t a hand, it was a paw. The cat in the reflection again mirrored his movements.

_No fucking way._

No fucking way in _hell_ was Five Hargreeves a little brown tabby kitten. 

His eyes didn’t lie though, and if Klaus’ look of bafflement was anything to go by, it wasn’t a hallucination either. 

Losing his composure, he dropped to the ground, at last feeling his feline back legs as he sat down, his tail swishing rapidly. 

Too distressed to even care about appearances, he yowled in despair, his little cat head turning up to cry at the ceiling. 

“Uh… Hey little buddy. How’d you get in here?” Klaus interrupted his pity party, cautiously kneeling down a safe distance from Five. He grasped onto the words to pull himself out of his anguish, only recognizing the implications of what Klaus had said after he forcefully cut off his yowls.

_Oh shit, he didn’t know._

Five just looked like some random cat to him. 

He whipped around to address Klaus directly and opened his mouth to try and explain.

_It’s me; Five! I’ve been turned into a dumb cat somehow!_

But of course all that came out was a series of meows that only seemed to confuse his brother even more. He growled in frustration.

How was he supposed to get help for this? What had even happened to him? 

_Okay, think. Don’t panic._

Five took a deep breath and tried to calm his racing heart. Like the trained soldier he was, he decided to take stock of his surroundings.

He didn’t have on his uniform or a collar of any sort. Luckily he didn’t really carry anything of value on himself because he had no idea if the clothes were back in the alley or if they had disappeared altogether. 

Other than the obvious issue of being a cat, he didn’t feel any other physical injuries and all his five senses were working fine. 

He looked back up at Klaus and for the first time since getting up saw Ben standing behind him.

Okay. _Six_ senses apparently.

More to stress over and more to panic about, Five tried to put his personal feelings about that aside.

So, cats could see ghosts.

Not surprising. 

It was still quite jarring to see his dead brother casually standing around as if he was always there, which now that Five thought about it, he probably was. His heart pangs and he has to tear his eyes away from Ben before he gets any more mind-fucked than he already is.

Klaus looked fine as well, just staring at him with the look of someone who had absolutely no idea what to do. 

“He’s kinda cute. Can we keep him?” Klaus posed the question to Ben, and Five bristled at the comment. 

Without thinking, he hissed in response. Ben eyed him warily.

“Are you serious? Dude, it could have rabies or something. Or it could be someone’s pet that got loose. You can’t just steal a wild cat.”

Five tried not to let himself be hurt by Ben calling him an ‘it’ but couldn’t help flattening his ears and crouching a little lower at that.

He had to let them know he was Five. 

They could only help if they knew he wasn’t just some stray. But he couldn’t speak and highly doubted that he’d be able to write either.

_Ugh, think!_

What would make them see it’s him?

...

Oh, powers, duh. 

Five meowed at the two to make sure he had their attention before pulling on the space around him. 

It was weird jumping as a cat. He always pictured himself as clawing through space to teleport, but with his paws he quite literally _clawed_ through the air. Still, he was glad that at least his powers were still intact. 

Klaus shrieked as Five reappeared right next to him, falling over as Ben murmured a, “Holy shit,” he was always the smartest one other than Five, “That's Five's thing.”

“What?” Klaus laughed incredulously over to their ghost brother but Five stared directly into Ben’s eyes and nodded his head, meowing in confirmation. 

“Wait what?! Seriously? Five is that you?!” The seance did a double take before grabbing him by the middle and holding him closer to his face as if he could see it in his eyes. 

Five hissed and batted at the hand touching him but nodded. Once it was clear that Klaus got the message though, Five quickly squirmed out of his grip and landed back on the floor, gracefully sitting back and licking his paw. After two licks though he froze and put the paw back down. 

For fuck’s sake, just because he’s somehow turned into a cat didn’t mean he actually _was_ one.

_Pull it together Five._

At least he was found by the only sibling in the house most likely to believe his situation and take it in stride. If Luther had been the one to find him, he would've been thrown back out into the street.

He straightened his back and looked up to a still flabbergasted Klaus.

“Holy shit,” He said, and then frantically gestured around with his hands, “Wait did you nod to Ben before? Can you see Ben now too? I totally called it. I knew babies and animals could see ghosts! Well, no proof of babies yet but cats definitely can!” 

Instead of nodding again in response, Five blipped over to Ben and attempted to rub against his legs. They didn’t touch obviously, but he tried to hide his disappointment at what he knew wasn't gonna happen anyway.

Ben seemed just as shocked as Klaus though, crouching down and staring at Five in amazement. The ghost cautiously brought a hand up and mimed petting his head. He couldn’t feel it, but the sentiment made him purr involuntarily. 

Disgusted with himself, he shook his little head and walked a good distance away from the two so he had both of them in his sights. They still ogled him with comically mirrored expressions. 

Then Klaus burst out laughing.

 _Little shit._ Five narrowed his eyes and let out a low growl of warning. The laughing persisted.

“Five! You’re a _kitten!”_

_Obviously,_ he rolled his eyes at his brother’s astute observation. 

“Bro, but how? Why are you a little kitty cat, huh? Wh- how? When? Jesus, I’m _way_ too sober to be dealing with this,” The former junkie ran a hand through his hair then let out a shout of protest as Ben smacked him upside the head, “Kidding! _Kidding_ … Still, we’ve got to tell the others. Oh I can just imagine Luther’s big dumb face-”

Klaus got up and started walking towards Five, arms out as if to pick him up. Well there was no way in hell Five was letting that happen again.

He was still Five! He was still a time-traveling assassin, former child superhero, apocalypse surviving badass. He wasn't going to be picked up and held like a _child_ (or cat).

Five hissed and swiped his paws at Klaus’ arm, claws out, causing the other to back up immediately and cradle his bleeding forearm closer to his chest. 

“ _Jeez_ , sorry. Bad kitty,” Five hissed again, “Fine! Walk on your own. I see you’re still the tiny killing machine you've always been. Come on then, I think Diego’s brooding around here somewhere.”

Rather than follow Klaus, Five slinked next to Ben and ambled onwards by his side. At least this brother couldn’t touch him.

Although he would’ve killed for a chance to hug Ben again, not like this. 

Five scowled into the space in front of him as the three wandered around. His headache still hadn’t gone away but luckily the pains from sleeping wrong had disappeared. Stuck with his human body, he presumed. 

That was probably the _only_ lucky thing about any of this. He still had no idea how this happened and he couldn’t write down theories and equations because he _didn’t have hands._ It was frustrating beyond comprehension.

He’d just have to do mental math to think up a way to fix this. Five highly doubted that anyone else in the family would be able to come up with a solution for him but at least if they knew, he wouldn’t be kicked out like a wild animal. Also, they had opposable thumbs. Five had never mourned the absence of them before today.

The unusual trio stopped by Diego’s room but didn’t find him there. It seemed no one else was in their rooms either. Without any other hints, they moved back down to the kitchen, hoping he was helping Grace cook or something equally as sickeningly sweet. 

She was their mother, she helped raise them, but Five could never really see her as family. Maybe if she had truly been on their side while Reginald abused them, it would be a different story. But the truth is, she didn't actually care about them enough to defy her programming.

He came back to save his siblings, his _actual_ family.

Their robot nanny and monkey butler were just collateral that happened to make it through to the end. 

Diego obviously didn’t see them that way, as he was disgustingly doting on her now that she was no longer under Reginald’s direct control. So out of respect for his brother, Five decided to never speak on his own opinions regarding them. 

They found the pair in the kitchen, Mom and Diego baking something that stung his newly sensitive sense of smell. He let out a frankly adorable sneeze that drew everyone’s attention. 

This day just continued to get worse and worse. They’d already thought of him as a child, now they would be thinking of him as a child _and_ a pet cat. 

Karma was a cruel mistress and she reveled in Five’s misery in a way unlike anyone he’d met before.

He lamented to himself as Klaus cooed and Diego and Mom turned towards them. 

Mom, like with everything, accepted it without question and clapped her hands together as Diego did a double take. 

“Oh how lovely Klaus! You’ve brought us a kitten.” She swayed forward, leaving her mixing bowl on the kitchen counter as she picked Five up off the ground. 

He hissed at her the same he did Klaus but she didn’t seem to care, so he scratched at her too. Grace however, unlike Klaus, didn’t really have skin, so she didn’t bleed from the claw marks like he had. 

With strength that Five did not realize she had, Mom hugged him close to her chest and started petting his head, rubbing gently behind his ears.

And… Oh. That felt kinda good. 

The headache that was bothering him faded as she continued and Five subconsciously relaxed in her arms, once again involuntarily purring. 

“That’s a good kitty. What’s his name?” She cooed.

Klaus laughed nervously, glancing towards Ben, “Uuuhhhhhh. It’s. Five?”

Diego slowly walked over to the rest of them.

“Five’s gonna skin you alive for naming this thing after him.” He joked, hesitantly reaching a hand towards Five.

Five hissed and batted away his hand before going back to purring to Grace’s pets. Bull _shit_ was he gonna let _Diego_ of all people pet him too. 

The latest victim to Five’s claws glared back at him, muttering, “Little shit.”

“See, that's where it gets interesting,” Klaus interjected before the two knifiest people in the family could start fighting, “He _is_ Five. Like, ‘our baby brother from the future’ Five. ‘Just this morning was a grumpy human instead of a grumpy cat’ Five.”

Everyone stood in silence for a moment, the words hung heavy in the air. The only sound was Five continuing to purr like a car engine and an awkward cough from Ben that only three of them heard. 

Then Diego rolled his eyes.

“Okay Klaus. Whatever you say dude,” He turned around, clearly not believing them, and went back to pick up the mixing bowl Mom had discarded. 

“No, I’m serious!”

“Man I thought you were done using?" Diego looked back at him in disappointment, "You know drugs are even worse for cats than they are for people. Just go put it back in whatever alley you picked it out of before it gives one of us a flesh eating disease.” 

Stupid Diego, always assuming the worst. It was like he hadn't even been _living_ with Klaus these past few months! Five knew addiction was hard to overcome, but Klaus was _strong_. There's no way in hell he'd have relapsed without immediately regretting it and asking his siblings for help.

The shorter brother didn’t seem to notice the way Klaus’ face fell at the comment, but Five did. Hesitantly, he meowed to his brother trying to distract him from wherever his brain was gonna take those words.

It seemed to work. Klaus looked back at him and shook himself out.

“No. I’m not doing that anymore, you know that,” Klaus whined, attempting to brush off the accusation without care, “Five show him it’s you please. You have my full permission to scratch Diego’s eyes out.”

Like Five needed anyone’s permission to perform an act of violence. He scoffed.

Before Diego could retort, Five blinked right in front of him on the counter, making Diego flinch back with a, “Holy shit.”

While Diego’s eyes were on Five, he jumped again, disappearing in a flash of blue light before reappearing in the air above Diego. He landed on his brother’s head and dug his claws in until Diego shouted and dropped the mixing bowl to grab him.

Before his grimy fingers could touch Five’s sleek fur though, Five jumped again, onto the kitchen table. 

Grace quickly picked the mixing bowl up off the ground before more of a mess could be made. 

“Oh dear, I’ll go get the mop.”

She left just in time as Diego jerked around looking for Five. Once their eyes connected again, he pulled out a knife from somewhere on his person while Five dropped into a defensive crouch, hackles raised. 

Luckily Klaus intervened before they could shed blood. 

“Diego stop! Christ man, what, are you gonna stab a sweet defenseless kitten?” He put his arms up stepping between the two.

Five hissed and made to swipe again at Klaus’ back but stopped when Ben gave him a look. 

_Fine._ Ben was right. _No need to lose composure._

He begrudgingly relaxed out of his defensive stance and sat back down on his haunches, raising his chin at his idiotic brothers in an effort to appear more intimidating. Going off of Ben’s fond little smirk, he doesn’t think it worked. 

“How in the fuck,” Diego took a second to breathe heavily, “is that _thing_ Five?”

Five hissed with an outraged meow again at being called a 'thing' again. He was still himself goddammit!

Just smaller... and fluffier. 

“That’s what we’re gonna figure out. Together. As a family,” Klaus sighed happily, “This’ll be way better bonding than those board games Allison keeps making us play.” 

That gains him looks of disdain from both Diego and Five, although Diego’s eyes don’t leave the kitten as if expecting him to attack at any moment. 

_Damn right he should be scared of me_ , Five thought haughtily. 

“Oh this is gonna be so much fun to watch.” Ben snickered in delight at the scene before him.

Internally, Five groaned. Easy for the dead guy to say. _He_ didn’t have to deal with their train-wreck of a family.

He still felt guilty about the Klaus thing this morning, less so about the barista if they were the one that did this. He'd only gotten a couple sips of his coffee before dropping it and blinking home. He was a fucking cat. And now he had to somehow communicate with his already emotionally stunted siblings in order to fix this whole mess.

Forget just a bad day, Five was having a _very fucking rough_ day.

And it wasn’t even noon yet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The others are told what happened and a plan is devised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapters is wayyyyy longer than I thought it'd be so enjoy that! all of your comments are making me so happy and inspiring me to write faster and MORE, so thank you so much!!!!!!  
> seriously guys, your comments are everything ;-; <3 thank you

It’s day two of Five being a cat and it’s going great.

That’s a lie.

Everything is shit and Five wants to rip out all of his fur, piece by piece, until he’s back to being a hairless mammal. 

With Diego and Klaus working together, they’d managed to call a family meeting and get everyone down into the living room to catch them all up. 

For a modern Dumb and Dumber pairing, they did a good job. Five’s proud they managed to do the bare minimum. Maybe they _could_ be useful in trying to fix this.

Again, excuse him if he’s a bit cranky. It’s been a long fucking day.

Once the rest of the family had gotten home, they all gathered around, completely ignorant to Five’s misery. Luther, Allison, and Vanya trickled in slowly as Diego and Klaus spent their time waiting by bothering Five.

The two assholes had discovered that Five’s transformation was not just physical and apparently he’d received feline instincts.

So they'd found a laser pointer and...

Yeah.

As soon as Five get’s his human body back, he is going to _torment_ his brothers until they beg for mercy.

Vanya was the last to arrive, the only one of them that had an actual life oh which they had obligations to. Even Allison with her career and family, actively working or speaking to her ex husband.

By the time he got there, Klaus and Diego both had red scratch marks all over their arms and face, gaining them concerned glances from Allison and wary ones from Luther. 

Thanks to Mom, they'd found out that; _unfortunately_ for Five but _fortunately_ for them, giving him pets behind the ears calmed him down enough to not keep attacking them. So Five reluctantly found himself purring in Klaus’ arms as he sat on one of the chairs scratching Five’s little head.

The bastard had a smug grin that refused to leave his face, even when Five started to knead his paws on the other's chest, purposefully unsheathing his claws as he did. Klaus didn't even flinch.

Finally, everyone was present and eyeing the pissed off kitten with confusion as they waited for an explanation.

“So, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I have gathered you here today.” Klaus began dramatically.

“I’m assuming it has something to do with,” Luther gestured vaguely towards the cat in his arms.

Diego rolled his eyes, “It’s called a cat, Luther.”

“I know what a cat is,” The larger man bristled.

Five’s eyes rolled as he waited for his dumbass siblings to get to the point. Letting out a loud meow to draw their attention, he gave Diego a pointed look. At least, the most pointed look he could, given the face he was currently stuck with.

“Right, basically,” Number Two searched for the right words, “This is Five. Uh, Five is a cat.”

Real subtle Diego. Way to ease them into it.

Similar to earlier in the kitchen, the room fell into stunned silence.

Klaus took his hand away from petting Five to facepalm and shake his head with a deep sigh.

Utilizing that window of opportunity, Five leapt out of his arms before the seance could trap him again. He would _not_ have been able to handle having this conversation while cradled in his brother's arms like a baby.

Always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, Vanya blinked and carefully broke the muted atmosphere. 

“Um, what does that mean?”

Allison had less patience as she demanded, “Explain,” in an authoritative tone of voice.

“We don’t really know what happened but sometime this morning Five went out and came back as this adorable little kitten.” Klaus cooed, reaching again towards the angry cat, despite the various cuts he already had on him that proved that was a horrible idea. A growl rumbled in Five's chest.

Apparently the only one with actual normal cat experience, Vanya carefully held his hand out for Five to smell. However, Five was _not_ a normal cat, and he didn’t need to sniff their hand to know who it was: his recently out brother. 

Instead of twitching his little nose, Five curled his head into their hand until Vanya got the hint and started petting him.

It was one thing for Klaus to pet him, sitting there like a smug bastard the whole time. It was another to let Vanya, his _favorite_ sibling, pet him.

Earlier that day he would rather drop dead than be seen acting like this, but dammit!

It felt too good to resist.

He usually hated touch, and that hadn’t exactly gone away. If anyone attempted to _pick him up,_ he would make them regret it, but head scratches were different. 

It probably wouldn’t be the same if he were still human. 

When his siblings touched him then, it burned like they were tearing open his skin, scraping against his muscles and tendons. 

He’d never been a very touchy-feely person, but being completely alone in the apocalypse, with no one touch even if he'd _wanted_ to, had made him even less so. 

Not to mention that after forty years of not feeling alive human skin, the first interaction he’d had was the sensation of his hands around someone’s neck, squeezing the life out of them as he assassinated for the Commission. Holding someone still as he stabbed them in just the right place, forcing himself not to shy away from the Handler's predatory touches, clamping his hand over someone's mouth so that nobody could hear their screams...

As a _cat_ though, all of his skin was covered in a thick layer of fur.

It was less _raw_ to be touched like this. 

Also, Vanya was his favorite.

Last family meeting they had, Vanya had come out to all of them as transgender, to everyone's eager support.

Except for Luther, his support was more out of obligation, and they'd kept needing to smack him every time he was about to ask an invasive question. He loved his siblings, but he was an ignorant tool.

Apparently, he’d already told Klaus beforehand, and the lankier man helped him explain it to everyone. 

At first Five had felt a little betrayed that Klaus knew before him. Growing up it, Vanya was the sibling he'd been closest with. Still, after everything that had happened in the past few months, Vanya continued to be the one he felt most comfortable with. The one that felt most like home to him. After all, he's the first one Five told about the apocalypse in the first place.

But then he reluctantly accepted that Vanya was probably right to do that. It made sense to go to him. Klaus was the only other person in the family so open and proud about their sexuality and gender presentation.

Besides, Five probably would’ve said the wrong thing, not having _nearly_ as much experience with the LGBT+ community that Klaus did. He barely even had experience with heterosexuals either and though Dolores had identified as a woman, she had told him early on in their relationship that she was not like other girls physically.

Five had never cared, he would've loved Dolores no matter what she wanted to be seen as.

During that family meeting, Five had wanted nothing more than to hug his new brother and tell him how proud he was. How honored to be trusted enough to share that with, even after everything the family had done to them growing up. His touch aversion, however, had been particularly bad that day. So he’d unfortunately had to settle for a small smile and words of encouragement.

Now though, he hopped onto Vanya’s lap and began purring again as he settled down. _Finally,_ he could give _and_ receive the comfort he’d desperately wanted to before. 

Vanya smiled down at him and kept petting.

“What the hell, that's not fair! I had to force the little psychopath to lay still and all you had to do was sit and be your beautiful self,” Klaus whined, pouting at the two of them.

“And you’re saying that’s Five?” Luther spoke up incredulously, raising an eyebrow at Five cuddling up to Vanya. 

Five angrily hissed at him, feeling some satisfaction at the offended look it brought to Number One’s face.

“Not that we don’t believe you but… _Why_ do you think this is Five?” Allison piped up, not bothering to try her own luck with befriending the volatile kitten.

Diego answered this one, “He still has his powers, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen regular cats teleport. Also, he clearly understands what we’re saying.”

“And he can see Ben! That doesn’t really prove it’s Five but it does prove that cats can see ghosts.” 

“Wait what?” Diego turned to Klaus, upset, “You didn’t tell me he could see Ben!”

“Oops!” The seance shrugged without care, clearly not feeling all that bad about it.

Testing the brother's claims, Vanya looked down at Five, “Is this true?”

Very deliberately, Five slowly nodded his head, looking directly into their eyes.

Vanya blinked in surprise, clearly not expecting an actual answer from the animal. Not that he could really blame them for doubting the accusation. It was more than a little hard to believe.

Had Five not been forced to live it, he probably wouldn’t have believed it either.

“That's- This is crazy! How did this happen?” Allison stared wide eyed at Five as he moved out of Vanya’s lap to perch on the living room table. 

“Like Klaus said, we have no idea. So if anyone has any ideas on how to fix this, or where to even _begin_ , please-” Diego finally decided to sit himself, throwing his hands in the air as he did. He flopped down ungracefully on the couch, next to Vanya.

Everyone sat in thought, occasionally ogling Five in disbelief. He would’ve teleported to further disperse their skepticism, but he hadn’t had anything to eat and having his bones readjusted, and body molded into a cat against his will had taken a lot out of him. 

Shit, what could he eat now? Could cats eat human food? Would they need to buy cat food? Not that he’d have any problem eating it, he’d had much worse.

There were definitely times in the apocalypse where he’d been forced to eat dog food or cat food. It was either that or starve. He could handle having to eat cat food.

Would they need to get a litter box?

Five cringed at the thought, shaking himself out in disgust.

Hopefully, he wouldn’t be a cat long enough to need one.

Food though, that was something immediate that _could_ be provided as they continued to think of what to do.

He let out another commanding meow, cutting through the quiet to get everyone’s attention. Once all eyes were on him, he hopped off the table and padded back towards the kitchen.

He didn’t bother looking back to check if they were following. His sense of hearing had improved significantly with the transformation to cat ears. The sound of their footsteps was like thunder to his enhanced auditory receptors.

It was pretty useful.

Maybe it wasn’t _all_ bad being a cat...

 _Nope, no no nope no,_ Five stopped that line of thinking immediately.

Just because there were _some_ perks did _not_ mean he wanted to stay like this. 

He hurried his pace to the kitchen, walking in just as Mom's putting something in the oven. It already smelled heavenly, but Five had no idea what cats were allowed to eat. He mourned the likely possibility of not getting to taste whatever she’s concocting. 

“Oh! Hello Five, dear.” Mom smiles pleasantly to him on the ground, thankfully not coming over to pick him up again.

He’s been humiliated by that enough times today. 

He gave her a head tilt as a greeting before making a beeline to the refrigerator. 

The rest of the siblings slinked into the kitchen behind him, standing around or leaning against something. Five noted with amusement that Diego automatically moved to stand next to Mom, while the others just hovered around. 

At the base of the fridge, Five reared up onto his back paws, placing his front two on the refrigerator's surface. 

It took a lot more effort than he’d thought it would, his tail swished rapidly to try and keep his balance. Not wasting any more time, he made swiping motions with his front paws against the fridge, hoping the others would get the message.

“Are you hungry darling? Let’s see if we have anything you could eat.”

Mom whisked her way over to Five, picking him up and making him let out a protesting squeak.

Luckily though, she just moved him aside, setting him down back on the floor a few feet away so she could open the fridge. 

“What do even cats eat? Do we need to buy canned tuna or something?” Diego wondered aloud, leaning against the counter. 

Five wrinkled his tiny nose at the thought of room temperature fish. Regardless of his willingness to eat whatever was available, raw fish made him nauseous. He hopped back up onto the kitchen table. 

He’d already been unbearably short in his prepubescent body, but being a kitten forced him to be closer to the ground than he’d been since he was still in diapers. 

At least being atop the table kept him only a little below eye-level with some of his siblings, the same height as the ones sitting down. It was better than being looked down on, at the very least.

“Well, they can eat meat,” Vanya tilted his head, thinking, “My neighbor has a cat that eats my leftovers sometimes. I also know they can’t have coffee though,” He gave Five an apologetic look, “Mrs. Kowalski told me to _never_ leave any out in case Mr. Puddles got to it.”

Five’s ears flatten with malcontent as he lay down on the table. 

Fuck, that sucked.

 _And_ it reminded him of the coffee he didn’t get to finish, probably evaporating on the ground back in that alley. Just another thing that wicked barista had ruined for him.

Five shot back up.

_The barista!_

Fuck, how could he have forgotten so soon? 

“Wait, do you think Five can talk to other cats now? We need to find Mr. Puddles ASAP.” Klaus looked absolutely giddy at the thought, watching idly as Five frantically paced back and forth across the table.

“He might actually be able to. He’s exhibited other feline behavior, it’s safe to say he could communicate with others,” Ben wondered aloud, unheard by most of the siblings. He crouched down to be eye-level with Five, “Why’re you pacing buddy?”

Five grumbled at being called buddy, but went back to stalking back and forth as he explained, or _tried_ to explain, his thought process.

_This had something to do with the cashier at that cafe from this morning. That's the only thing that made sense. If this was the Commission, they would’ve just killed me or, if they wanted to incapacitate me, they would’ve already made their second move by now and contacted me. From what I can tell, the transformation happened after I drank the coffee that they spit in, and I’m fairly certain they were looking at me when it all happened. If they didn’t have something to do with it, they at least had to have seen it. We need to find that barista._

But all his siblings heard was a series of frustrated meows and growls, as they looked between each other in concern.

The microwave beeped, startling him out of his thoughts, and Mom plopped down some reheated chicken for him on the table. He’d nearly forgotten she was getting him food.

Five didn’t bother trying to explain himself to his siblings. It wouldn’t work anyway.

He focused on scarfing down the meat as fast as he could to get enough energy for making jumps.

“We need to find some way to understand what he’s saying.” Allison pointed out the obvious, staring at him intensely as he ate.

“Charades?” Klaus suggested, to no reply.

“Maybe we can write down words and phrases on pieces of paper and he can arrange them into sentences for us.” 

Diego shook his head at Vanya’s solution, “No, that would take too long. _And_ we’d have to figure out what words would be useful.”

“Perhaps they have a cat translator app?” Klaus gave another option which, once again, everyone ignored.

Luther timidly put in his own idea, “What if we got some paint and had him try to draw it out with his paws?” 

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Diego pointed at him like an arrogant boss listening to ideas from his employees.

Five rolled his eyes at his idiotic siblings as he finished eating.

While they were distracted, he took the opportunity to lick his paws and rub them over his snout to clean away any leftover crumbs. 

The only one with an eye on him to witness the adorable display was Ben, who 'awed' loud enough to draw Klaus’ attention. Five glared at the ghost for alerting the other to his disgustingly cat-like act.

Before the living part of that insufferable duo could make an undoubtably demeaning comment, Five blipped out of there and up into his room. _Surely_ there was something in there that would be useful to their mission. 

Five’s room hadn’t really changed at all since he was a child. Other than the frantic writing all over the walls, from both the week of the apocalypse and the time spent here after, there wasn’t any personalization. 

He’d missed out on the individualistic years while he was growing up in the apocalypse.

The only thing in there that had any significance to him at all was the old version of Vanya’s book he’d brought back, covered with as many notes as he could scribble onto it in forty years. Although it wouldn’t be very useful to him without any hands. 

He hopped up onto his bed, hoping to maybe find an empty coffee cup from that specific cafe that he’d maybe thrown around before. If it had the cafe’s logo, it could show his siblings where to start. 

His bedspread was horribly messy, with blankets and sheets bunched up in all sorts of ways. And the dust that launched into the air as he landed on the surface was a testament to how often Five actually used the bed, which was very little. Closer to almost never.

Another little kitten sneeze managed to get by his defenses as a cloud of dust floated between the bright sun beams illuminating his drab room from the opened window. 

One beam in particular was in the perfect position, shining directly onto his bedspread and leaving the surface warm and inviting. 

_Hmm…_

Five hesitantly laid down on the sunlit blankets, heavy eyes drifting closed against his will as he basked in the heat. 

His belly was full after just eating. He’d had a _really_ shitty day that had started way too early in the morning. He was _exhausted_ from both the physical and emotional strain of the past several hours.

_I think I deserve some rest._

He thought to himself as he curled up in the warmth. 

Who knows, maybe when he wakes up it will all have been a dream.

…

When Five awoke again, it was of course _not_ just a dream, nor an elaborate prank. 

He was sprawled out on his bed still but remembered shifting every couple of hours as the sun descended in the sky. Gazing blearily at the same alarm clock that every sibling had in their room from their Academy days, Five noted that it was indeed the next morning and he had slept through the night.

Thankfully he hadn’t had any nightmares.

Thinking back, Five’s not even sure he dreamed at all. He can't remember the last time he'd had such a restful night.

Thus; Five's second day of being a cat began .

Shaking awake, he unfurled himself from the cozied up position and stretched out. 

Stretching out as a cat was _so_ much more satisfying than stretching out as a human had been, for some reason.

Now that he was awake though, he was ready to get going. After all, he was still a cat.

That was unacceptable.

Without further ado, Five quietly walked out of his room and into the hallway, checking to see which doors were still closed.

Another perk of being a cat; his footsteps were near silent. If anyone was still sleeping, they wouldn’t be awoken by him. And no enemies alerted to his presence.

Seeing as every door was opened with no siblings inside, Five assumed that the rest of the Hargreeves had already started their day. 

He blinked down into the living room.

Luther was passed out sitting on a chair, a notebook of ideas resting on his lap. Some of the things written down were theories, some were just questions. His head was fallen back with his mouth wide open, snores seeming to echo in the large room.

Allison lay across the entirety of one couch, hugging a throw pillow to her chest as she slept. More notebook pages scribbled with notes were scattered on the floor in front of her. 

Diego was asleep on the floor, leaning back against a separate couch which Vanya occupied. The smaller brother only took up a small portion of the couch, curled up and hugging himself much like Five had in his own slumber.

Ben was there, although he was not sleeping. He stood to one corner, watching. 

It might’ve seemed kind of creepy to watch his siblings sleep, but Five wasn’t one to judge. He wasn't the best person to determine socially acceptable behavior. Even before he'd been completely isolated from all society, his views had already been warped by Reginald's upbringing.

In fact, he thought it was sweet of their brother to protect them while they were vulnerably sleeping.

The ghost’s eyes were drawn to Five as soon as he blinked in, and he gave him a short nod of acknowledgement, pursing his lips.

The only one unaccounted for was Klaus.

Five just tilted his head to the side, questioning the absence, and luckily Ben understood, pointing towards the kitchen.

He could’ve spoken, it’s not like anyone else would be able to hear him. But it seemed that Ben didn’t want to interrupt the serene hushed sounds of the morning.

Five nodded his thanks and headed that way, feeling an astute sense of deja vu as he walked into the kitchen to see Klaus nursing a mug of something hot.

He looked eerily similar to how he had the morning before, when Five had told him to shut up… 

Ah, the return of guilt, Five’s oldest friend.

A nasty feeling of regret settled in the pit of Five’s stomach as he carefully examined the haunted look in Klaus’ eyes. The other didn’t seem to have even noticed Five’s entrance, too busy staring blankly into space.

Klaus had even more nightmares than Five did, kept up most nights by the screams of the dead or the trauma of his past. The eyeliner he wore was not just for fashion; but to cover the constant bags underneath his eyes from the lack of sleep.

Not that he was comparing trauma. Everyone in the family was plagued by their own damage in disparate ways. Some were just more affected than the rest.

Klaus was sensitive; he couldn't simply forget much of what happened to him. Unlike Five, who preferred to ignore anything that had a possibility of impeding his performance. He'd rather _never_ talk about his past, whereas Klaus put in a lot of effort to open up and heal from his.

Yesterday, Five hadn’t listened. 

After his own nightmares, Five hadn’t wanted to hear it. Not the same horror story, told over and over again. Listening would’ve meant that he’d have to share his own nightmares as well.

Well, Five didn’t wake up from a nightmare this morning. And he wouldn’t be able to speak about it even if he wanted to. 

With a heavy heart, Five brushed by Klaus’ leg, to alert him of his presence, before jumping up onto the table. 

The seance inhaled a sharp breath as he came back to himself.

“Oh, morning Fivey. Have a good cat nap?” He attempted a light tone but it fell flat between them. The humor wasn't fooling either of them.

Five decided to ignore the cat joke. He instead meowed in concern, leaning his head towards Klaus to gesture him asking the same back. 

“Me? Oh, you know,” The laugh he gave was hollow, “Who would I be without my beauty sleep?”

That was something Klaus did often, Five noticed. Joking around when he was feeling bad.

The family therapist, Dr. Linda had told them that it was a defense mechanism. By joking about his trauma he wouldn’t have to face it head on or take it as seriously as it should be taken. Trivializing his pain in an attempt to make it less all-consuming. Their therapist was working with them in the group sense, and so was a big help with articulating internal feelings in healthy ways that none of them have done before.

They would certainly be having a _hell_ of a lot to talk about with Dr. Linda next session.

Unable to respond, Five laid down on the table, searching desperately for the right thing to do. There wasn’t much more he could think to do besides laying his head on Klaus’ arm, providing as much support as he was able to.

Klaus looked surprised, releasing his grip on the mug he’d been holding. With his free hand, he cautiously began to pet Five as he laid on the table. The kitten growled a bit but forced himself to relax and let Klaus find comfort in him.

The things he did for this family. 

Klaus let out a huff of disbelief that was almost a laugh, “You little rascal," His muttering turned bitter, "What? You feel bad about yesterday, is that what this is?” 

Five sent him a wary and slightly guilty look, only just managing to stop himself from wincing. Even though he wasn’t an actual human at the moment, Klaus could read people so well that he caught on to Five's plans immediately.

“You think that now you can't say anything back, _now_ you can listen?” The seance let out a deep sigh but kept petting Five, contradicting his own mocking words, “I get it, you hate talking about feelings. Honestly, it was _my_ bad for assuming you’d suddenly put aside your personal rules for little old me. How _presumptuous_ of me.”

Every syllable was painful to hear, but Five knew that he deserved to hear it. 

He was _right_. 

Sometimes Five needed to be told the cold hard truth, no matter how much it bruised his pride to admit to being an asshole.

He let out a quiet hum of apology, not able to look at Klaus directly in his cold eyes without squirming uncomfortably. He'd never been so out of his own depth. 

“Sorry, I’ll stop _torturing_ you, buddy. It’s not fair when you can’t tell me to _shut up_.”

All of a sudden the clammy hand petting him left as Klaus got up and started walking back towards the living room. He paused in the doorway, not turning around but still clearly addressing Five.

“Come on, we gotta get you back into your regular baby boy body. If you're still acting all cutesy and sad then, _then_ I’ll know if you _actually_ want to chat or not.”

With that, he left Five solitary in the kitchen, to swallow the unforgiving words. A sickly feeling wormed around in his stomach. 

Shit.

He was a bad brother.

 _But_ , the other part of Five tried desperately to rationalize, _I dedicated my entire life to saving them. I’ve done more than enough for this family._

However, as he thought about what he'd come back to the week before the apocalypse, he had to wonder if he really saved them at all. 

Even looking at them now, they were all a mess.

Every single day was a toss of the dice whether they’d get along or not. Whether they’d be _happy_ or not.

Luther lost his sense of purpose, trying to start an actual life while he was already in the middle years of it. Five's departure had been the catalyst to everyone else's and thanks to that, Number One had lost half of his life to a father that didn't care for him. Allison lost her voice for months and hasn’t been able to see her own daughter for an even longer time. Klaus had wasted years of his life to a crippling addiction, wasting away every day as a corpse forced into animation. And when Five came back into his life, was tortured, thrown into a war, and given a taste of love for possibly the first time _ever_ in his sad life, but he'd had it cruelly ripped away just as quick. Vanya lost _everything_ , his entire reality shattered and trust torn to shreds. He wasn't living like he deserved, just surviving like he was in an apocalypse of his own. Diego lost the only good thing in his life, maybe even lost his belief that good things existed at all... 

Ben was _dead.._.

Maybe they all would’ve been better off if he’d just let it happen.

They lived in constant despair. Perhaps putting them out of their misery would’ve been more merciful than forcing them to work through all of the family's problems, on top of their own. 

Five is old.

The apocalypse gave him so much time to think, maybe too much. 

There were definitely times where he wished he’d died with them. Times where he questioned his own purpose and his place in the universe. Times he doubted himself and lost sight of his goals. Lost faith in his own ability to change things. After all, he did have to live through his existential teen years there.

What was the point in living if it was all suffering?

… 

But it _wasn’t_ all suffering.

Even back there, where it was a struggle to get up every bleak morning, he _still_ had fond memories. Memories of Dolores, of childish adventures that made a younger him laugh out loud into the noiselessness of the world around him.

Luther was in the middle of his life, sure, but he wasn’t at the _end_. There’s still plenty of time for him to discover who he is and what he wants to do.

Allison has her daughter. Even if she couldn’t see her right now. It’s a goal. Similar to Five’s old goal of getting back to his family, she now has the same goal. To be with her family; her child.

Klaus was sober for the first time in years. He had a support system. And although he lost the love of his life, he’d had the privilege of experiencing genuine, true love. Not everyone could say they knew that feeling. 

Vanya’s life may have been completely upturned, but it was flipped around for the better. He had everything he'd wanted since he was a child; powers, a place in the family, and after ditching the meds that had controlled him and muted his world into dull grays, was finally able to feel everything life had to offer. The good and the bad.

Diego might have finally found a deeper meaning for his own life. He’d lost the woman who taught him that, but he'd _learned_ from her. She helped his brother understand reality and forge a purpose that was entirely his own, not one instilled by their dad. 

Five hoped to meet her one day, beyond this plane of existence. He wanted to thank her for everything.

No, the apocalypse wasn’t a mercy. 

Their lives would _always_ have shitty aspects, they’d _always_ have times of anguish, but they’d also get to experience pure joy and happiness that would never be as sweet if they didn't power through the bad first. 

Life was a _gift_.

Despite everything, they couldn’t give it up.

None of them _had_ given it up. Not _ever_.

Five wouldn’t either.

With renewed determination, the kitten teleported into the living room. His appearance startled Diego, who was just waking up, but other than him and Klaus (and Ben), it went mostly unnoticed as everyone remained dormant. 

Sucks for them if they wanted to sleep, Five was on a mission.

He jumped onto Vanya first, not exactly digging his claws into him but not being overly gentle about it either. They woke up with a groan, blinking their eyes slowly open to the morning light coming through the windows.

From there he zipped to Luther, having heard enough of his snoring. He didn’t feel at all bad when he left a bit of a scratch on the giant’s face to startle him awake. 

After all, what’s a tiny scratch compared to _locking someone in a soundless tomb?_

(Yeah, Five still wasn’t over that, and he might never be! For good reason.)

And finally, Allison. He woke her up by teleporting right on top of her face for only a moment before jumping off. She sputtered to life just as Luther started to take in his surroundings, raising a confused hand to the claw mark on his cheek.

“Klaus could have woken them up, you know.” Ben pointed out to Five, raising an eyebrow at the tabby cat.

_That wouldn’t have been as fun though._

Five did the feline equivalent of a shrug at his ghostly brother, hopping up onto the coffee table once again.

Something about being a cat made him want to be atop furniture. As a regular person, Five preferred to burrow under things or hide. Shelter had been one of his top priorities for most of his life. It was wiser to look for things to find cover under.

As a kitten though, he was so _short_.

Once back in his human body, Five would never complain about looking like a child, ever again. It was leagues better than looking like a common housecat. 

“Right, so,” Luther sat up as much as he could, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, “We stayed up last night brainstorming after you went off to sleep, and we _think_ we thought of a good way to understand you.”

Five looked at Luther expectantly, waiting for the probably moronic solution.

However, Luther just stared into space, still adjusting to just waking up. Diego’s snapping fingers in his face jerked him back to the present.

“Right, sorry. We have a plan...” and he continued to not elaborate. 

Five looked balefully towards the ceiling, asking whatever higher power was out there _why_ he had been stuck with these _plebeians_ as siblings. 

Luckily, before Five could utilize his sharp claws in testing the thickness of Luther’s skin, Vanya picked up where he left off.

“Basically, we’re gonna ask you yes or no questions until we get to something solid. You can just shake your head to respond.”

It was a simple, juvenile solution, but Five would have to work with what he had. He was a little irked that _this_ was the best they could think of, but he didn’t really have the luxury of criticizing their decision.

“But!” Allison emerged from the doorway (Five didn’t even remember her leaving), looking perfectly done up and ready for the day, “If you can manage to write something legible in this notebook, then we won't have to do that.”

She set down the uncapped marker and opened notebook in front of him. The smell of the sharpie was nauseating to his sensitive nose.

This was, however, a preferable method of communication. 

So Five powered through it, ignoring the chemical stench as he picked up the marker with his mouth. 

It fit snugly between his teeth, unmoving as he padded closer to the paper. Wondering on what to even write, Five tilted his head and made contact with the blank page. 

Hmm… 

‘Coffee’ seemed to be a fairly easy word to write, even if he had to do it with his mouth.

Surely, he could accomplish this simple task.

With a fiercely unnecessary amount of concentration, Five furrowed his kitty brow and began moving the pen on the paper. Looping letters and trying his absolute hardest to focus on making it clear, he ignored the uncomfortable strain on his jaw and took his time on each character with the utmost gravitas. 

After _way_ longer than it should’ve taken, Five leaned back and spat out the marker, looking down at his work.

Well.

It wasn’t… the _worst_ writing he’d ever seen. 

It was probably just because he already _knew_ what he wrote down, but he could vaguely, kinda, _maybe_ make it out.

He looked up to Allison and meowed that he was finished. 

His already meek confidence dipped even more as she picked it up with a look on her face that wasn’t unlike a mother when a toddler gives them macaroni art to hang on the fridge. As if he could _possibly_ get even more humiliated, that look certainly pushed it.

His sister pondered on it, biting her lip. Klaus glanced over her shoulder to try and make it out, with Vanya popping up on her other side. 

“Did he try to write it in an ancient script?” His horrible, nuisance of a brother had the audacity to ask.

Five hissed defensively. 

It wasn’t _that_ bad.

“I think that's… a ‘C’, maybe... but that’s all I got.” Vanya shook his head with a shrug, stepping back and allowing Diego to take his spot and have a look. Luther had made his way over but, with his height, easily examined the writing from above Allison’s head. 

Even Ben inched forward, Klaus shifting over to make room for the ghost.

“Oh yeah, that's gotta be a ‘C’. It’s a ‘C’ right Five? You did really well with that one.” Ben commented.

Apparently, Five was _extremely_ starved for affection because even that tiniest bit of praise had him straightening his chest proudly. 

He knew he was awesome. It’s about time the others caught on.

“That’s the _only_ one that’s legible, though.”

And Ben just _had_ to rain on his parade. Five grumbled inwardly, letting out a huff to show the ghost that he was not amused. 

“Okay. So it looks like we’re gonna do the yes/no thing instead.” Allison nodded to herself, putting down the notepad with a look of disdain. 

Klaus tore out the page and took it for himself, explaining, “For the memories~” when he received questioning gazes. 

“We’ll start out easy, okay?” Allison continued, waiting until Five nodded to move on, “ _Is_ that first letter a ‘C’?”

If Five could roll his eyes any harder, he would. He had to settle for letting out a dramatic breath of air, nodding yes. 

Vanya had a private, self satisfied smirk that would’ve probably gone unnoticed when they were kids. But as they were all trying to include him more, pretty much all of them saw it. Diego and Allison shared an amused grin.

“Alright I’m gonna list off ‘C’ words let me know when I hit it,” Klaus interjected seriously before anyone else could ask a question, staring intensely into Five’s eyes, “Cars, cats, corn, candy, carousal, camera, cans, Cambodia, California, carry, cocky, cunning, corny, crazy, crash, cranberry, cloud, claws, cone, cog,” He inhaled a gasp as he ran out of breath.

“Hey dumbass, yes or no questions only.” Diego elbowed the now gasping for air and coughing former smoker, but quirked a brow to Five, “... But was it any of those?”

The amount of patience Five had was already miniscule.

Yet, his family _persistently_ tested those limits.

The kitten narrowed his eyes and slowly shook his head ‘no,’ putting as much annoyance into his gaze as possible.

“Guys, enough,” Allison sighed, clearly tired of being the only girl in a room full of truly _stupid_ brothers, “Five, do you have any idea of how this happened?”

At least one of them had a sliver of a brain cell.

He nodded.

Thinking back on the transformation, he was nearly certain this had to do with the barista. 

“Okay, good. Do you think it’s the Commission?”

He shook his head at this. 

It was possible, but unlikely.

It had been _months_ since they stopped the apocalypse. If the Commission _was_ going to do anything to him in retaliation for messing up the time-stream, they would’ve done it already. 

Even if it was for revenge, perhaps the Handler’s personal vendetta causing her to go rogue, she undoubtably would have shown up at some point to brag to him about it. Or she would have just captured him while he was vulnerable in the alley.

Allison scrunched up her face in thought, “Is it someone from the Academy days?”

This time, Five hesitated for a second before shaking his head again. 

It may have been a long time for him since then, but he’s fairly certain he would have remembered the barista, especially since they seemed to be around the same age as his siblings.

If they had fought a kid the same age as them, he definitely would’ve remembered that.

He could not speak, however, for anyone they faced _after_ he left. Whoever his family had to face then, he had no idea.

His stomach twisted with guilt at his younger self’s choice of attempting time travel, even though it had been years since he'd come to terms with his actions.

Just another thing in his life to regret. Another thing to carry.

“Is it one person or an organization?” Vanya asked, before correcting themself, “Wait, sorry. Is it one person, yes or no?”

He nodded. 

“Guys this is useless.” Klaus moaned dramatically, “It's gonna take _forever_ like this.”

“Got any better ideas?” Diego shot back.

Klaus grumbled to himself and curled up on the couch, running a private commentary with Ben. Trying to pay attention to more questions, Five tuned them out.

“Did this happen nearby?” Their vigilante, wannabe Batman brother decided to get the group back on track.

Five laid down on the table, nodding again.

It was gonna be a long couple of hours.

“Okay how close, like, within four blocks?” Five nodded, “three blocks?” again, “two blocks?” another nod, “one block?” a final nod, “ shit, right next door?”

That's when he shook his head.

“So it happened within a block of the Academy. What’s around here?” Diego posed the question to the rest of their siblings. 

Five had been literally tortured when working with the commission, both physically and mentally, in order to test his fortitude.

This was worse.

Watching his siblings debate something that would be _so_ _easy_ for him to just _say,_ made him want to pull all of his teeth out and replace them with glass. 

“I don’t know, Dad never let me leave the Academy, except for the moon.” Luther shrugged, the only one who actually lived here for his entire life. The rest looked around at each other uncertainly.

But Klaus was homeless, he'd lived on the streets. He knew where everything important was in this neighborhood.

“A church, a few more apartments, a bank” Klaus listed off on his fingers, “four restaurants, a cafe, a handful of alleyways, two food trucks, six news stands, a flower shop, a record store, a massage place that seems _super_ sketchy... Uuuuuhhhh, I think that’s it. It’s mostly apartments.”

The others seemed stuck on where to go from there, but luckily they had Ben working with them, even if they didn’t know it. He looked at Five thoughtfully.

“Did it happen at one of the businesses?” Five sorta nodded at that, unsure if a cafe counted as one, “One of the places that sells food?”

He nodded vigorously, alarming the rest of his siblings who had no idea what he was nodding to.

Klaus relayed the message, “It apparently happened at one of our several eating establishments.” 

“So we’ve narrowed down the location, should we try to switch to profiling the perpetrator?” Diego posed the question to the group, sounding exactly like the cop he almost became.

Secretly, Five’s kinda glad that Diego got kicked out of the police academy. 

He’s traveled through all of time, to all kinds of different places, and could confidently say that he would trust one of Klaus’ old drug dealers more than he would _ever_ trust an American police officer.

“Do you think you know what the person who did this looked like? Would you be able to pick them out of a crowd?” Vanya asked.

Five nodded for both of those questions. Hopefully, they were _finally_ getting somewhere. 

He flipped onto his back, stretching out and feeling unbelievably cramped all of a sudden. 

Did stretching _always_ feel this good? Maybe Five needed to stretch more in his day to day life.

It felt so good he almost didn’t notice Klaus’ quiet squeal.

He immediately flipped back onto his stomach, opening his eyes to glare at Klaus, who’s hand that was already extended to pet his tummy, froze in midair. The seance looked like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar.

“Sorry Fivey you’re just so cute!” He cooed, ignoring Five’s low growl of warning.

“You really are,” Ben agreed, at least having the decency to appear apologetic about it, “Come on, when’s the last time any of us got to see a kitten? The last cat I saw was a stray that almost gave Klaus rabies.”

“It’s true.” Klaus echoed sagely, as if Five would doubt something like that happening to him. 

The whole problem was, Five _wasn’t_ a kitten.

He was a person.

He was human. 

He was _not_ just some 'cute kitty cat' that his siblings could fulfill their childhood pet fantasies with. It was condescending. 

“Can we get back on track please?” Allison raised a palm to her forehead, expressing the exact amount of exhaustion that Five also felt.

Vanya continued his own line of questioning, taking pity on Allison’s attempts at keeping them focused.

“Were they an employee or a customer?”

Five stared at him blankly until they realized, “Oh shit yeah, sorry again. Were they a _customer_?” He shook his head no.

“Okay so we know that whoever did this worked at one of the food places around here. Was it one of the restaurants?”

Again, he gestured a no.

“One of the food trucks or the cafe, then?” 

Nod.

“The food trucks?”

He shook his head 'no' enthusiastically. 

Fucking _finally_.

“This is a great start,” Vanya smiled, “We know it was someone working at the cafe nearby, and we know that whoever it was, was working yesterday. I think we have enough to go out looking for them now, right?” 

Diego bobbed his head slowly, crossing his arms in thought.

“Yeah, we should stake out the place. What’s it called again? Zilla's Coffee House or something? We need to track all the employee’s shifts.”

“Uh, no no no,” Luther finally decided to be useful, of course chiming in _only_ when it was the opportune time to take charge of the situation and be the leader dad always wanted him to be, “Whoever did this is powerful. We can’t use subterfuge on this. We need to go in all together as a team, giving him or her no chance to escape.”

“Luther, I know it’s been a while since you’ve been an actual member of society, but we _cannot_ just do a full frontal assault on the local coffee shop.”

“But staking out the place could take days!”

And so the arguing started. 

Five groaned, deciding that he’d contributed as much as he could to this nonsense. He slid off the table, stretching himself out a little more before making his way to Vanya’s side.

The shyer sibling was warm, comfortable, and the least likely to engage in conversation, so he slouched against them and closed his eyes. 

Their hand drifted over him subconsciously, Vanya beginning to pet him without looking away from the first three numbers of their little army, fighting over a plan of attack.

Of course, with pets came his cat bodies involuntary purring. 

_Oh_ how he _hated_ this tiny, furry form. 

Klaus made his way over to them, sitting on Five’s other side and reaching out to pet him as well, although stroking his back instead.

 _God damned menace_ , taking advantage of Five’s warped state of being.

“Hey,” Klaus whispered to them conspiratorially, “Do you guys wanna just go to Zilla's now for shits and giggles?”

“Won’t they be mad?” Vanya whispered back, still petting Five even as he sat up a little more at his brother’s suggestion.

“Who cares?” 

This made Vanya smirk in a way they never would have done before going off their meds. They grinned down at him, asking him for permission as well, “Five?”

He let out the quietest mewl he could, rubbing his head into their palm.

“I’ll take that as a yes! Quick, let’s bounce before they catch on.”

Klaus picked Five up into his arms and quietly got up, Vanya following. Ben watched them amusedly from behind their oblivious, arguing siblings. 

Once out of the room, the voices of the other three fading from their ears, Klaus handed him off to Vanya and giggled impishly while still trying to be stealthy.

“I’ll go get my coat! This is gonna be so fun guys~”

The other two siblings watched him hurry up the stairs with mutual mirth, sharing a look as they waited in the foyer.

Perhaps Five should be more worried about going in without a plan, but he had begrudging faith in his brothers.

With Vanya’s shy charm and Klaus’ extroversion, surely they could get the barista talking, if they even worked today. If not, they’d have the most luck besides Allison in interrogating the cashier’s colleagues. 

Also, if they got turned into cats too… 

Well, it wouldn't be _too_ much of a loss, Five reasoned. They could still use their powers.

And a smaller, more selfish part of Five would just be happy to not be the only one suffering from this. If he was forced to be a cat, it would at least be more tolerable with his siblings stuck as cats too.

But they didn’t need to know his possible ulterior motivations.

As Klaus tumbled down the stairs, shoes off and tip toe-ing in an effort to remain secretive, Five plotted what he’d do to the fuckface that did this to him. 

Apparently, murder wasn’t allowed, but maybe he could find a loophole to that family rule… 

Whatever he ended up doing, he was just glad that they were finally doing _something_. Five was never a very talkative person, preferring to act first and explain later. All this painstakingly _slow_ progress was almost as much torture as having to live as a kitten.

 _Almost_.

As Four, Five, and Seven scuttled out the Academy doors, Five actually felt excited about his predicament for the first time.

Who _knows_ how much damage he could do with these claws?

_It would certainly be fun to find out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> luther strikes me as one of those "he or she" motherfuckers... just say 'they' dude.... also Zilla's is not a real coffee place so dont @ me.. it is named after godzilla. next chapter we officially meet the non-binary superpowered person. spoiler alert: they're not really a villain, just a flawed human like the rest of the hargreeves. disclaimer i dont HATe luther i just would punch him if i existed in the umbrella academy universe. i can acknowledge that he is a well made character with sympathetic reasons for the things he did while also despising him as a person. no hate to the actor though, love him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're in the endgame now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one more chapter after this. i thought this would be the last chapter but it ended up being longer than i thought itd be so i need to add one more. let me know if you want to see five do any more cat stuff before he becomes human again!  
> TRIGGER WARNING: The Handler comes in towards the end of the chapter and acts creepy/predatory towards Five.  
> dont worry this is a feel good fic so nothing bad is actually gonna happen but she is just Creepy

The other three members of the family didn’t notice that they’d left until Five & company were halfway to the coffee shop. When they did realize, they rushed out of the house and caught up to the group _right_ before they could cross the street, in the same alley that Five had transformed in.

“Are you insane?!” Allison asked, bending over to catch her breath, seeing as One, Two, and Three had quite literally _run_ after them.

Ben made a snarky comment to Klaus, infinitely amused, as he strolled out from behind them and towards the more rebellious siblings, “She should know better than to ask you that.” 

Vanya let Five drop down onto the ground, as the family huddled around each other in the alley, so that he and Klaus could properly defend themselves against the other’s fury.

It was the same alley he’d been in just the day before, when he’d mutated into this stupid thing.

There were no signs of such a traumatic event taking place though, besides the spilled coffee cup that blended in with the rest of the trash scattered around.

The well loved uniform was nowhere to be found. Hopefully that means that when he forces this barista to make him normal, he’ll still have his clothes on.

Five inched closer to sniff at the abandoned coffee cup, mourning what could have been.

It would probably kill him if he tried to lick up anything that was left. Not even just because coffee was bad for cats, but also because it had been lying in a filthy city alleyway over night. Five wouldn't be surprised if it was already crawling with disease.

“Hey, no. Bad five.” Klaus pushed him away from the cup with his foot, “No coffee for kitty.”

 _Oh for_ _fuck’s sake._

Five hissed at his deplorable brother, leaping out of the way before he could even attempt to pick up the kitten. 

At least the nudge brought him back to the matter at hand.

“Why didn’t you wait for us? You have no idea what you're going into!” Diego admonished the other two siblings as Five took a second to glance across the street towards the cafe.

He was too short to see in through the windows though, to his own irritation. 

“Well we weren’t gonna find anything out just sitting around at home-”

“Yeah, and who _knows_ how long you guys were gonna keep arguing.” Klaus interrupted Vanya, turning around to continue across the street.

“So your solution was to put yourselves at risk for no reason?” Number Two stayed understandably upset.

If Five were in his position, his family throwing themselves into danger without telling him, he would be too.

However, Five would never _be_ in that position because _he_ would never waste time with petty squabbling. Time that could be spent kicking ass and taking names.

“Hey now, nobodies in any danger!” Klaus held up his hands in surrender, turning back to them, “This person might know our special boy but they won’t know _us_ , right? We’ll just be some innocent, _paying_ customers to whoever-the-fuck.”

“ _Unless_ they targeted Five as a member of the Umbrella Academy,” Luther spoke up, trying to take charge of the situation.

“Even then though, I doubt they’d recognize us. When’s the last time Number Four was in the public eye? And I was never in the Umbrella Academy.” Vanya pointed out meekly, expertly using the guilt they knew the statement would inflict upon the family. 

Brushing up against their leg, Five tried to portray his pride at the manipulation tactics. Using the family's chronic weakness against them.

_Well done Vanya._

But Diego spit right back, “Unless they recognize you from your book," apparently still hung up on _that_ whole thing.

Five never really saw the big deal about it all. Maybe it was just because he didn’t care what anyone thought of him, ~~even though he definitely did~~ , but the book didn’t seem to be worth tearing the family apart over. Regardless of how private the team was, how much they tried to retain an strong public image, or how fearful they were of appearing broken... It had to have been at least the _teensiest_ bit rewarding to run dear old Reginald's name through the mud.

It didn’t matter if Five saw nothing wrong with the publication though, Vanya still winced at the biting remark. The coffee cup rattled on the ground in the sudden wind that had picked up speed around them.

“Still, what are they gonna do? Attack us in broad daylight?” Klaus defended before a real fight could start. 

“Wasn’t Five attacked in broad daylight?” Allison tried to argue, but Five quickly stopped that line of thinking. 

He wasn't so much _attacked_ as he was... caught off guard. It wasn't some big epic duel. It was just him passing out in an alley and waking up as a tabby. As embarrassing as it was, it was even less glamorous.

He meowed in as commanding a tone as he could to get their attention before going back over to the spilled coffee cup and nudging it with his paw. 

“No, we already told you Five, you can’t drink any until it's safe.” 

Five inhaled slowly.

Then exhaled an equally controlled breath to stop himself from pouncing on his dimwitted oaf of a brother.

When he had his hands back, he would slap the shit out of Luther at every opportunity. 

Very deliberately, he meowed again, nudging the cup and then gesturing down at himself impatiently. For extra clarification, he steadily circled the cup and sat down with conviction, hoping that they could at least vaguely get what he was trying to say. 

Diego crouched down and picked up the cup, flipping it over to see the label. 

“It’s from the same cafe,” He explained to the others before looking back down at Five, “Was this yours?”

The overworked kitten nodded his head wearily.

It was his, and it was good coffee too. Until it wasn’t.

“And it’s only half drunk. Oh _Five,_ I’m so sorry man.” The vigilante left the cup on the asphalt and gave him a sympathetic look. Five could only gaze on miserably. 

“Wait only half?” Ben furrowed his brows.

“Our Fivey would _never_ leave a coffee unfinished like that!” Klaus said, scandalized.

“Unless,” Vanya raised an eyebrow, “Something shocked him out of finishing it… Like, say, _turning into a cat,_ for example.”

“Oh!” The seance gasped in understanding, mystically gaping down at a very restless Five, “So this is where it all happened?”

Five bobbed his little head.

The longer they stood around talking though, the more his patience was running thin. If they didn’t get a move on into Zilla’s Coffee House soon, he’d be going in untethered. 

“Not in broad daylight then,” Vanya finished, smugly crossing their arms as they turned to Allison. 

The Hollywood actress looked like she was about to burst a blood vessel, veins in her forehead popping out in an effort to not retaliate against the more powerful sibling. Finally, she sagged, defeated. The trio seemed to register that they were fighting a losing battle.

“How about this,” Diego offered to compromise, “You two go in with Five and look for the guy. Try to bring them outside. We’ll wait here and keep watch in case they try anything.”

The rest of the siblings thought it over for a second before nodding, some more reluctantly than others. Vanya held out their hands to Five and the little assassin jumped into his waiting arms to be carried into the cafe.

Fucking _finally_.

As the Numbers One, Two, and Three set up a defensive position, Four, Six, and Seven crossed the street, Vanya holding Five firmly against their chest as if they could read his mind and see his desire to just teleport into the cafe guns blazing. 

A bell chimed pleasantly above the door as they walked in, which Five hadn’t noticed the last time he’d been there. It wasn't such an active time either, unlike the day before. Foot traffic was very light, with only a few other people occupying the space inside. 

There wasn’t a line this time either. Everyone else in the cafe was sitting at tables, either on their laptops or phones, or scribbling something down in a notebook.

Now that Five wasn’t in a rush for coffee, he had a chance to appreciate the interior of the establishment, noting with amusement that the place had an almost academy-esque theme to it. 

The theme was all dark colors and vintage furniture, with a mural made to look like a giant bookshelf taking up one wall and a cheap chandelier decorating the ceiling. 

The pair made their way to the counter, where a different cashier than the day before stood, watching them expectantly. Ben wandered around a little bit away, examining the mural on the wall and peeking over other customer’s shoulders to spy on their work.

“Hello! Welcome to Zilla’s, is there anything I can get for you?” The barista asked in a sickly sweet customer service voice.

“Why yes, darling. What kind of cold brews do you have on tap?” Klaus gave her a dazzling smile, leaning on the counter as Vanya subtly peaked down at Five, tilting his head towards the cashier.

Five shook his head bitterly, disappointed that the bastard who did this to him wasn’t there. He was hoping to have had this whole thing solved by now. 

Not having any other reason to be alert, Five slouched down against Vanya’s chest sourly. 

They weren’t here.

To make matters even worse, he couldn’t even order coffee for himself. 

He would’ve asked what he did to deserve all this, but it was probably unwise to question the cosmic laws pertaining to his particular righteous judgement. Considering his previous career choice, he, in all likelihood, deserved _much worse_ than just this.

After Klaus ordered, they stepped aside to wait for whatever he bought to be ready. Feigning nonchalance, the seance attempted to begin a dialogue with the barista as she fixed the drinks.

No doubt he was interrogating them about the other employees in that whimsical- _Klaus_ way he did things, but Five was distracted by movement at the other end of the room. 

A bathroom door in the hallway off to the side swung shut, revealing a certain _wretched_ , terrible, _sinister_ barista who was emerging from within. 

As they stepped out, looking up without a care in the world, they locked eyes with Five and froze in their tracks. Obviously, they had not been expecting to see him returned.

It was definitely the same barista as the day before, Five never forgot a face. They had medium length shaggy blue hair and hispanic features, but their tan skin had paled significantly as their eyes widened in slowly building trepidation.

Five hadn’t even realized that a low, vicious growl had been building in his throat, nor that his ears had flattened against his head. Only being alerted to the facts as Vanya tried to stealthily whisper down to him, asking what’s wrong. 

In lieu of answering, or doing the wise thing and alerting his siblings to the presence of the _heathen_ that did this to him, he instead vaulted himself out of Vanya’s arms with a savage roar, swiftly landing on his feet and bounding aggressively towards the employee.

With no warning, he leapt, his claws finding the baristas flesh and digging in, baring his teeth ferociously as he felt them fall back in shock.

“Five!” Vanya cried out in surprise, hurrying after him.

The extremely hostile kitten, meanwhile, tore his way up their body and into the person’s face, settling his flexing talons against their neck as he hissed in their terrified face.

_What the fuck did you do to me? Fix it now or I'll make you wish you were never born. I will rip the skin from your bones and force your tendons into a blender. I will force you to drink your own mangled remains as you beg for mercy, you despicable ingrate. Turn me back, now._

The other patrons of the cafe gaped on in astonishment at the seemingly feral kitten attacking this poor employee.

_Poor employee my ass._

Five hissed, pushing his paws down as hard as he could in a botched attempt at choking out the loathsome cur. Unfortunately his pathetically tiny paws could only really inflict a mild discomfort, with his claws needing to do most of the work.

Before he could inflict any real damage, a pair of hands grabbed him from around his middle and lifted him up. He immediately started squirming, but their hold on him was solid. He could vaguely hear Vanya giving some sort of explanation to the barista.

“I’m so sorry about my cat! He never acts like this, I swear.”

Their act was convincing to absolutely no one, as it was quite obvious to everyone in the coffee house that Five had never been well behaved a day in his life.

Luckily, Klaus accepted his unknown reasons for attacking and expertly deescalated the situation.

“Oh no! This is unbelievable, I’m _so_ sorry,” He held a hand over his chest in mock horror. With his other, he helped the barista up off the ground, “Please, let us help get you patched up. I know just how much our boy's claws can hurt,” He chuckled, showing off his own fresh scabs from Five, “Come with me, there's a first aid kit back in our car.”

The lie slid from the seance's tongue effortlessly. Thankfully, it seemed that Klaus got the message that _this_ is who Five is accusing. 

“I…” The barista’s eyes flickered rapidly between the three of them as they clutched a hand over their lightly bleeding neck.

“Please, I insist.” Klaus grinned, a threatening glint shining darkly in his eyes. 

They looked incredibly intimidated, about to say no to the offer before they caught Vanya’s gaze.

Making sure that only the barista could see, Vanya flashed his eyes white for the briefest second, promising consequences to not accepting their oh so _generous_ request. Not knowing whether it was a trick of the light or not, they gulped and hesitantly nodded.

“Y-yeah, okay. C-Carol, I’m taking off early.” They shakily directed their words towards the other cashier, who looked absolutely flabbergasted about the whole situation.

The rest of the people in the cafe also looked on, with similarly bewildered expressions at the scene that had just unfolded. 

Instead of addressing any of it, Klaus simply smiled, taking the drinks he’d ordered off of the ready counter and herding the other two towards the exit. The rest of the patrons were completely silent in shock, including Carol, the other barista.

With no more words, and Ben looking maniacally entertained, they swayed out the door and Klaus guided the barista across the street like they were a hostage. Just in case Five tried to kill the barista again, Vanya kept their ironclad grasp around Five's middle.

Once across the street, his brothers slipped from their act and gently shoved the barista forward and into the others. 

A group of five fairly intimidating strangers and a rabid cat craving revenge; they had the barista shivering in place as they cowered in between the family members, all possible escape routes blocked off just like they had been trained.

They looked around at all of them, shaking like a leaf while the siblings sized the villain up.

“U-uh…” They stuttered nervously.

“What did you do to Five?” Luther demanded, arms crossed, causing his already abnormally large muscles bulge out even more.

Allison narrowed her eyes, staring down at them with ice in her gaze, “Turn him back.” 

“And don’t even think about trying anything-” Diego stared at them dangerously, casually flipping a knife into the air as he leaned against the cool brick wall of the alley. 

“I-” They began before cutting themself off.

“Please, we just want our brother back to normal,” Vanya placated them, playing the good cop, “Why’d you even turn him in the first place?”

From their reaction, Five almost doubted his accusations against them. They definitely didn’t _look_ like the evil mastermind that got the drop on legendary time assassin; Number Five Hargreeves. They were however, the only lead that the family had, and their recognition of the cat from inside the cafe pretty much confirmed it.

Also, Five was _never_ wrong about _anything_ , so they had to be involved somehow.

He decided to stay quiet, leaving the interrogation up to his siblings as he finally loosened from his tense posture in Vanya’s arms. The younger sibling noticed his change of demeanor and released their grip as well, allowing Five to fall from their arms.

Free from restraint, Five hopped up onto a closed garbage bin against the wall, bringing him to a height slightly above eye-level of the barista. He sat down on the lid gracefully, squinting his eyes and looking down his nose at the other, hoping to exude as much of a threatening aura as he could.

“I-I didn’t-!” They shook their head frantically, looking desperately at Five, “I didn’t mean to, I swear! It was an accident!”

“How do you accidentally turn someone into a cat?” Diego scoffed, disbelieving.

“It’s part of my gift. I just forgot for a second- I’m sorry! He just made me so angry and I wasn’t thinking. I-”

“What do you mean gift?” Klaus interjected, tilting his head curiously at the other.

They flushed, “Well, you know, just uh… A thing I can do, I guess…”

The rest of the siblings looked around at each other uncertainly. This wasn’t exactly going how they thought it would. 

Powers? Sure, why not. This whole thing being one big misunderstanding? Doubtful.

It was all… _too_ easy. Way too easy for the Hargreeves.

“Explain. From the beginning.” Luther finally said, appearing no less scary than before. 

The barista blinked rapidly before nodding, crossing their own arms against their chest self consciously.

Five was decidedly: unimpressed. 

Wad _this_ really the person that got the drop on him?

“M-my name is Teal. Since I was born I’ve had this weird ability,” They shuffled on their feet timidly, avoiding everyone’s eyes, “My saliva can turn people into animals…” They trailed off, as if waiting for the disbelief.

This family had seen a lot however, and so they said nothing and waited for Teal to continue. Five's tail impatiently swayed side to side.

“I, uh, found out when I had my first kiss. Turned my preschool boyfriend into an iguana, _haha.._. It h-hasn’t been too much of a problem since then, as long as I don’t, you know, kiss anyone or a-anything like that,” They awkwardly shrugged, “I guess I just kinda forgot for a second. The kid just… He made me _so_ _angry_ and I wasn’t thinking so I…” They made a helpless gesture towards Five with their hands.

Diego clenched his jaw, stalking towards Teal threateningly, “So you decided to _kiss_ our underage brother?”

Five decided not to protest at being called underage, he supposed that in _that_ body, he technically was. He'd let Teal talk their way out of that mishap.

Their eyes widened and they rapidly shook their head.

“N-no! No, no, gross, I would never- _No_ , I spit in his drink.” They bit their lip, “I don’t usually lose my temper like that, but I was having a _really_ shit morning, and then this _kid_ comes in and starts acting like _such a dick_ so I just- yeah. Sorry.”

At this, the siblings closest to him gave him exasperated looks. Even Ben shook his head fondly at the cat, whose whiskers twitched under the scrutiny.

“Well, he _can_ be a little asshole,” Klaus admitted with a tone of endearment, the only one willing to say it out loud.

Five huffed in annoyance, glaring at them all.

Sure, he was kinda touchy sometimes... But like hell would he ever _admit_ it.

Besides, it’s not like the rest of them were such saints either. 

“Can you change him back though?” Vanya kept them on track, furrowing their brows at Teal as the other scrunched up their face.

“Um, I think so? I’m not super sure but-”

“How about,” Allison interrupted before they could ramble out another response, “You come back to the Academy with us, so you can tell us more about this ‘gift’ of yours, and how to fix all this. Since you say this was all a misunderstanding.”

What she didn’t say was that if Teal was locked in the Academy, they would be stuck with the family on their home turf, and the Hargreeves would be able to get all the answers they needed out of them until Teal had it ingrained into them that their family was not to be messed with.

The rest of them nodded, also thinking about trapping the barista. Five was pleased that his sister had thought ahead for him.

Maybe after they turned Five back into a human, he would enact his revenge. The details of which still needed to be worked out, but no matter. 

“O-okay.” Teal agreed, eyes wide.

Not like they had much of a choice. 

…

“Wow, uh, nice place you got here…” Teal awkwardly complimented, gaping at the Academy as the group walked in through the front doors. 

They must not have heard of the Umbrella Academy before, not seeming to recognize the insignia on the front gates, nor the resemblance between photographs on the wall and the people that were still surrounding the wary barista. 

Nobody commented, simply continuing to silently push them into the living room.

Teal’s eyes were immediately drawn to the imposing portrait of Five on the wall that the family had yet to take down. He’d need to get on that when he gets back into his normal body. 

Although, maybe it was a good thing they kept it up. As soon as they entered the room, Teal once again tensed up, eyes widening at the painting, and began rambling anew.

“Whoa, I didn’t know he- Are you guys like royalty or something? I promise I didn’t know he was i-important or anything”

“That old thing?” Klaus waved dismissively at the painting, “ _Psshh_ , that’s nothing. Ben has a whole ass statue out in the garden.”

Ben groaned at the mention, causing Five to glance curiously over towards the ghost. He wasn’t aware that his undead brother also hated the art that father had used to immortalize them. That was something the two had in common.

Teal didn’t say anything to that, only seeming even more discombobulated at the gratuitous display of wealth. 

The more aggressive of his brothers none-to-gently shoved Teal onto a couch, glowering above them as the others moved to similar positions. They all loomed over them, except for Klaus, who plopped down right next to them on the couch, throwing an unassuming arm over their shoulder. 

It may have seemed like a casual, innocent side effect of his flamboyant nature, but Five saw the subtle warning in the action. If it wasn’t obvious that they were trapped before, with Klaus' arm keeping them in place like a rollercoaster safety bar; it certainly was now. 

Five leapt onto the table, much like he had during the other meetings with his family. He leaned menacingly towards the barista, attempting to come across as fearsome as possible. Subconsciously, he'd also been holding his ears upright to make himself seem taller.

The rest of the Hargreeves may have been unimpressed with the adorable little kitten’s display, but Teal clearly had at least a small sense of self preservation, as they pressed further into the couch and away from the demon. 

“S-so… You guys are rich, huh?” Teal coughed, trying for a friendly smile to begin conversation. Though what came out was more of a grimace.

“You don’t recognize us?” Diego inquired with a guarded expression.

Despite their seeming ignorance, his family had _way_ too many trust issues to just believe this innocent act.

“Should I?” They nervously looked at each sibling. 

“Haven’t you heard of the Umbrella Academy?” Luther straightened up, proudly announcing their title. 

The other siblings rolled their eyes at that. Of course the golden boy would be so self righteous about the whole thing, bringing up the long dead team when it wasn't called for. They were the Hargreeves now, not just numbers. 

“N-no. Is that, like, a private school or something?” 

Klaus snorted, slouching closer to an uncomfortable Teal, ignoring their clear dismay.

“Think more; illegal child labor.”

“How have you not heard of us?” Number One scoffed, “We're _superheroes;_ we saved lives, we had _comics_ -”

Allison cut him off before the other could go on a tangent, “You’ve seriously never heard of us before?”

Teal hesitantly shook their head, raising an eyebrow at the group, “Should I have?”

The family didn’t seem to know what to say to that.

Even if they weren’t into comics or superheroes or any of that stuff, the Umbrella Academy had been huge when they were kids. They were a novelty. After all, how many super-powered children were there in the world? 

_(There were about 43, give or take, but that's besides the point.)_

Regardless, they were national sensations. 

It wasn’t that it was _hard_ to believe that Teal hadn’t heard about them, it was _impossible_ to believe. 

Five desperately wished he could talk so he could probe this person himself, but he had to settle for patiently waiting on his siblings to continue the questions.

He did all he could do, and let out a sharp yap, causing at least half of the people in the room to wince at the ear-splitting noise. 

Well, if they didn’t want to hear his complaining, then they should hurry up and fix this shit already.

“Right. Fix this.” Diego demanded, as if reading his thoughts, and pointed towards Five sitting on the table. 

“Yeah about that… I don’t really… know how?” Teal anxiously wrung out their fingers, “Like, remember that preschool kiss I told you about before? Well I’m pretty sure little Seth Hendrickson is still a lizard, somewhere out there. When I accidentally did that whole thing, I was kicked out of my town, so I never got to see if I could actually fix it. I’ve only turned a few people since then, and they usually just run away so that I never see them again... I have some theories though! I promise I’ll do whatever I can to reverse the effects. This really was just an accident.” They pleaded with the family to believe them.

The Hargreeves glanced at each other for a second before Allison jerked her head back, signaling to have a private discussion. The other siblings nodded, following her over to the bar and huddling up to deliberate.

Five stayed on the table, glaring at Teal to keep them rooted in place. Klaus also stayed, apparently wanting to learn even more about the mysterious barista.

“So, you were kicked out of your town. Where’re you from?” He began conversationally, hand still firmly in place around their shoulders.

Teal gulped, seemingly not knowing whether to look at Klaus or at the dangerously hostile Five, “New Mexico. I was born in a small place, very religious. Apparently my birth was already controversial, so when I did that whole animal thing, it was the last straw for them. They were convinced I was sent from hell.”

“Oh hey no worries there, I’m going to hell too!” Klaus gave them an easy grin, “Those sinful homosexuals, am I right?”

They hesitantly smiled at the lanky man, “Right. Even if I didn’t turn a kid into a lizard, I would’ve been kicked out later anyway for being non-binary.” 

Five had heard enough of this stranger’s boring sob story, so he tuned out their conversation and listened in on how his other siblings were faring. Hopefully they were talking about something that was actually important.

“So, what do you guys think?” Allison’s arms were crossed and she spoke quietly to the huddle. 

“They’ve gotta be bullshitting us, right?” Diego speculated, mirroring her stance.

Vanya looked unsure, “I don’t know guys… I think they’re telling the truth.”

“Yeah, well you don’t exactly have the best track record for telling that sorta thing.”

The wind picked up in the room as Vanya’s eyes lit up white, causing a barely noticeable tremor to overtake the house. Diego tensed up from his casual position and readied himself for a fight.

Jesus, he couldn’t leave them alone for two seconds.

Five mewled at full volume again, getting everyone’s attention. When his siblings finally looked over, he made sure to give Diego a thoroughly unimpressed look before turning back to Teal, who had seemed only the slightest bit less terrified after their chat with Klaus.

He knew they wouldn’t understand him, but he started talking anyway in hopes of at least getting everyone back to focusing on him.

_I don’t know if you’re telling the truth and frankly I don’t care. Whatever ideas you have about how to fix this, just do them._

And with that, he leapt onto Klaus’ lap, startling him into releasing his hold on the barista. Hopefully the other would get the hint and just pet him already.

At this point he just did not care. 

Despite getting the best sleep he’s had since who knows when last night, he was _exhausted_. Klaus was comfortable.

It was simple math.

Past the point of caring how he looked, Five curled up in his brother’s lap and closed his eyes to get in a quick nap while everyone else figured shit out. It’s not like there was anything else he could really do.

Klaus, still in shock, dropped one hand to carefully pet Five.

In an even more surprising turn of events, the kitten's out of character actions only made Klaus more disturbed.

“Teal, buddy, you gotta turn him back ASAP. What if he turns into an _actual_ cat if we don’t make him human in time?! 'Cause this? This is not Five behavior. As adorable as it would be to have kitty Five all the time, I don’t want to lose the little bastard a second time.”

The seance shared a worried look with Ben before looking back to Teal, “Do your powers have any long lasting effects?”

“I have no idea. Like I said, I don’t really know a lot about them. It’s not like I was given training for this sort of thing,” They shrugged helplessly.

"Not like we were..." Klaus muttered resentfully.

“But you have some ideas, right? Why don’t we start out with those,” Vanya kneeled in front of the two on the couch, reaching out to pet the unresponsive Five as well, “I don’t have a lot of control over my powers either yet.”

Teal blinked.

“Y… Your powers?” They stood up urgently, pointing a wavering finger at Vanya, “You have powers too? And you didn’t think to tell me that?!”

The other siblings shifted uncomfortably.

“Oh yeah. Forgot they don’t know about us…” Ben murmured to himself as the rest of the family thought of how to proceed. 

“We’re the Umbrella Academy-” Luther began uncertainly.

“Yeah, so you said. What does that even mean?” The barista frantically looked around at the mansion as if to find some kind of clues as to who they were. Unfortunately for them, most of the Academy paraphernalia was on the second floor of the mansion.

“All of us have powers. We were, uh, a team of superheroes when we were kids,” Allison crossed her arms uneasily, “That’s why it's weird you haven't heard of us. They called us the Umbrella Academy. I was known as The Rumor, because of my ability to rumor people.”

“What the fuck does _that_ mean?”

“It’s hard to explain… I’ll show you,” Allison took in a deep breath as she prepared herself. 

It didn’t take much out of her to use her powers, not like Five or Vanya’s powers, but it took a mental toll that she was still getting used to. She, like most of the family, was learning to live with her powers in a life _not_ full of fighting crime.

“ _I heard a rumor~_ that you told us _exactly_ who you are.”

The familiar haze of Allison’s power at work filled Teal’s pupils, forcing them to speak out in a monotone voice, “My name is Teal Alvarez. I was born in Los Alamos, New Mexico on October 1st, 1989 to my unmarried mother, Rosa Maria Alvarez. No known father. I was run out of town in 1994 for being the antichrist. I was put into foster care and remained in the system until I became a legal adult. I’ve lived most of my life in the Mojave Desert in California, only moving to this city one year ago because I turned someone into a coyote and needed to start over again. I am a manager at Zilla’s Coffee House-” 

They shook their head violently to get out of the spell, ogling at Allison with a look that was a mix between awe and fear. Allison shrugged, a tight smile on her face.

No one seemed all that surprised about their story, except Luther, who looked like his whole worldview had been shattered. Everyone had already surmised that Teal _must_ be one of the 43 children born spontaneously on that one special day so long ago.

There weren’t very many other explanations for someone having odd abilities like they did. It wasn’t farfetched to assume they were related in some way.

They’d all known that other children existed of course. It had just never really been that important to them before. The arrival of this person though, might change that fact. Only time would tell what happens after Teal fixes their mess.

Not wanting to be one-upped, Diego chimed in next.

“I can manipulate objects in the air and hold my breath indefinitely. Luther is a strong monkey man, Vanya can cause apocalypses, Five can teleport, and Klaus can see the dead,” He pointed to each person as he explained.

“I wanted to explain my power.” Klaus huffed indignantly, turning towards Teal anyway, “I can _commune_ with the dead. It sucks. But I’m also forever haunted by our lovely ghost of a brother Benjamin, who has a portal to an eldritch monster in his stomach, so it’s not all bad.” 

“And my power isn’t just causing apocalypses!” Vanya frowned up at Diego, “I can convert sound waves into energy.”

Luther grumbled quietly, “I’m not a monkey,” though everyone ignored him. 

Teal shakily fell back down on the couch, looking slightly ill. 

From his spot curled up in Klaus’ lap, Five allowed himself a private smirk at their pain. Clearly they didn't know how to process any of this madness. 

Of course this was all incredibly overwhelming, but so was being turned into a cat, so; payback.

“So…” Vanya stood back up from petting Five, awkwardly rocking on his feet, “Have any idea how to fix Five?”

Teal breathed in and out slowly, seemingly calming themself down from an oncoming panic attack and pointedly avoiding eye contact with everyone else in the room. They ran a trembling hand through their hair.

“C-can I ask a few questions first?” 

Everyone looked ready to relay a resounding ‘no’ but Klaus answered before anyone else could speak.

“Sure! But only if we can ask you some too,” He winked.

Letting out a heavy breath, Teal nodded, “Yeah, sure, that’s fine. I'm an open book, _hah,_ ” They coughed, finally lifting their head back up fully to look at Five, innocently napping in Klaus’ lap, “Can’t you just… ‘rumor’ him into being human again?”

They all stood in silence for a second, most not having thought of that obvious solution. The siblings looked towards Allison curiously, who just shrugged.

“I can try,” She kneeled down next to Five, who had opened his eyes to follow his sister’s movements, “ _I hear a rumor~_ you were human again.”

Five eyes clouded over, but he didn’t change physically. The cat tried not to look too upset as he shut his eyes tight again. 

He hadn’t expected it to work. If it was possible, Allison would have tried it earlier. Still, being teased with hope only for it to fall through was discouraging.

The rest of the group let out equal sighs of disappointment.

“How about you, what ideas did you have about fixing this?” She shook off the failure, directing the conversation back to Teal.

“Um, well, I could spit in his drink again and see what happens? If my saliva is what turned him into a cat in the first place, it’ll probably work the opposite way, right?” 

At this, Five perked up from Klaus’ lap, turning to face the barista.

That was _actually_ a competent idea, and the best one they’d had all day. 

Never one to wait, he hopped off of the seance’s lap and padded away to the kitchen. Hopefully Grace would be in there to get him a glass of water, or one of his idiot siblings would have the forethought to follow him. 

God, he couldn't _wait_ to be human again. This has been such a shitty couple of days and he just wanted it all to be over. 

Thanks to his exceptional hearing, Five could make out the sounds of at least two people following him, the rest were hopefully staying to further interrogate Teal. 

Once he moved to enter the kitchen however, the sounds all stopped. His highly sensitive ears registering nothing but the sound of his own heart beating in his chest.

_Shit._

Dread pooled in his center as Five turned the corner, having his own suspicions about why it seemed that time had just _stopped_. There weren't many reasons something like this would happen.

This day couldn't _possibly_ get any worse, could it?

His concerns were confirmed when he saw the Handler, in all her evil glory, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in one hand and legs crossed as if she’d been waiting there all day. Once Five entered, her eyes snapped to him like a magnet and she let out a delighted laugh at the sight of him.

 _Note to self, it can_ always _get worse._

“I’d heard the rumors but I didn’t dare to believe they were true!” The witch set her teacup down and rose up from the table. Her stiletto heels shined like daggers in the dim light coming through the window, reminding Five of Diego's knife collection which he would've loved to utilize right about now.

Five growled a warning as she tapped over to him, peering down on him as if he were nothing but an ant to her.

“You really are just a little kitty cat. Oh this is too precious.” She didn’t bother kneeling down to touch him, instead lifting a foot to kick him aside a bit.

He let out a yelp of rage, ripping a hole at the ankle of the Handler’s pristine stockings. Rather than being intimidated, the woman let out another giddy laugh. 

“Sorry darling but I just had to see it for myself. The _mighty Number Five_ reduced to a sweet miniature fur ball. If only we’d known about this special person when you were still working for us.”

Five could say nothing back, so he just glared.

This was _humiliating_. 

The worst part was that he couldn’t even _defend_ himself. One of Five’s greatest weapons was his ability to piss people off with his words, and that had been taken away from him.

His whiskers twitched as he resigned himself to waiting for the Handler to explain why she was here, ears flattened in shame.

He was uncomfortably aware of how vulnerable he was like this. A good kick from the woman could easily break bones in his fragile feline body.

“Oh wipe that frown off your face, I’m only teasing,” She smirked down at the assassin, “I liked you better as the baby boy. You can’t even threaten me properly like this, pipsqueak.” 

What did she want? Was she really just here to gloat at his misfortune? Surely the Commission had better things to do than this.

“I’m only here for a bit,” The bitch sighed joyfully, walking back over to her tea, heels clacking on the floor, filling the silence of the room, “I just wanted to see if you still make the same constipated face that you always do, in this form.”

So it really was just that. 

Five vowed then and there. As soon as he gets his body back, his top priority is going to be finding a briefcase and _killing_ the Handler. 

Damn it all to hell, if it makes the Commission come after him. It’d be worth it to see the life fade from those irritatingly smug irises.

“While I’m here though-” She idly twirled around, leaning back to rest on the kitchen table, “I might as well warn you. I am no longer working for the Commission.”

This, he raised his brow at, tail flicking, agitated. He steadily bent his hind legs into a defensive crouch. 

If she wasn’t under the Commission’s jurisdiction anymore, she didn’t have to follow any rules about maintaining the timestream. Meaning she could do whatever the hell she wanted, as long as they didn't catch her.

It would be _incredibly_ easy for her to kill him right now, and Five was painfully aware of that.

“They may send some agents here to inquire about my whereabouts. Consider this a courtesy call,” She didn’t seem to appear hostile, but Five knew better than to fall for her faux nonchalance.

The Handler could be holding a gun to your head and still hold herself as if she were merely discussing brunch. 

“Despite what you may think, I like you Five. You’re driven. Also, it’s absolutely _adorable_ when you try to be intimidating,” She picked up a briefcase that had been hidden underneath the table, “I’d love to take you with me. You could be my little pet~”

Five hissed viciously, daring to step forward in a warning. Unfortunately, she only snickered gleefully at this. 

“See, that’s what I love about you Five. So easy to rile up,” The Handler let out a sigh, “I really must be going, but I'll be back. This whole grand production has given me some ideas. After all my business with the Commission is over, maybe I _will_ put a collar on you and make you my own pet kitten. Until then,”

She waved a hand, painted red lips stretched in a quaint smile.

Five has never hated anyone more than this woman.

“ _Arrivederci_.”

She disappeared in a flash of blue and sounds flooded back into his ears. All at once time started to move again.

The sudden switch of noise to his senses made his ears flick back for a second, but he quickly got control of his body and made that the _only_ reaction he gave. The footsteps that had been following continued into the kitchen while he stood frozen in the middle of the floor.

 _It’s fine,_ Five reassured himself, _I’ll have my body back soon anyway._

Yet he still shivered at the implications of the Handler’s threat, mentally slapping himself for letting the words get to him.

He was _nobody's_ pet. 

Allison and Luther entered into the kitchen behind him, nearly tripping over the cat. He hissed at them and stepped out of the way before they could stomp on his tail.

For fuck's sake, he wasn’t _that_ small that they wouldn’t see him there. 

Luther gave him an apologetic grimace but Allison ignored him as she beelined for the kitchen cabinets, pulling out a glass and filling it with water. Five appreciated her focus. At least one of his siblings was dedicated to switching him back.

He also decided not to tell the others about the Handler’s visit. It would only worry them unnecessarily.

Everything was under control.

The family therapist may have something else to say on the matter, but Five would simply not tell her either. Yes, they were supposed to be working on not keeping secrets from each other, but this was different!

It’s not like they could _do_ anything about it even if they did know. Also, Luther would probably try to prohibit him from murdering the bitch and there was no way he’d compromise on that.

 _Unless_ , he pondered, taking special interest in his furry paws as he followed the other’s back into the living room. He might be able to convince Teal to give him some samples of their saliva. 

Now _that_ would be a _perfect_ revenge.

Turning the she-devil into an _actual_ bitch would be extremely rewarding to his self esteem. 

That brought forth more questions about how Teal’s powers worked, though. Like, what decided the type of animal they’d turn into? Was Klaus’ theory correct and after a certain amount of time, they completely become the animal? Mind, body, and soul? 

All questions he would have to ask once he’d gotten his voice back. 

For now, he would focus on testing their theories for reversing the effects. Only after he was back to normal would he allow himself to plot against the Handler. He still had to decide on a suitable punishment for Teal as well.

The trio strutted back into the living room, water in hand. 

Excitement began to bubble up his chest at the thought of having his human body back, even if that body was _still_ dissonant with his old mind. 

It’d been so long since he'd had something to fight. Now, he had _two_ things. Two people to crucify.

Five looked forward to getting to use his skills as an assassin again. Even if he wasn’t allowed to kill them, he’d had plenty of experience with _torture_ to know how fun it could be.

He probably shouldn’t be so eager to get back into that lifestyle, but it’d be fine. It wouldn't trigger anything within him, he's sure. ~~He's not.~~

Same as testing Teal’s theories about fixing this shit, there was only one way to find out.

As they say, 'you never know until you try!'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realize ive made klaus a big character in this fic on accident woops lol. i just really like him okay? named Teal after my cousin Teal. apologies if no one cares about the character and it just thinking 'give me five >:O' lol i just needed to explain how things happened. they are technically the villain of this story, so yeah :///

**Author's Note:**

> This is gonna be a short fic. I don't know the exact amount of chapters but definitely less than five. I just keep getting stupid fic ideas in my head where Five gets tortured but with something silly and childish instead of angsty. He deserves a hug. Let me know what y'all think!


End file.
